Returning

yourpast1I haven’t posted here for some time. Each day has been a struggle. An endless stretch of days, weeks, months of struggles.

I’ve been hurt. I’ve been scared. I lost faith. I lost hope. My world is unrecognizable to me. I really expected to be in a different place. To be a different person than I am now. I expected to be living a dream much different than my current reality.

And through it all my creative spirit has been crushed and silenced by my inner critic.

“Don’t write about that.”

“People will call you silly or stupid or a drama queen for putting it out there.”

“People don’t give a shit.”

“What you have to say has no value.”

“They will say ‘OMG you wouldn’t believe what she wrote on her stupid blog!'”

So the creative writer within me shut down, silenced herself, and closed up shop. The artist closed her walls and withheld her artwork within, believing it had no value. The dreamer gave up her dream world of psychedelic color and returned to the grayness and din of the real world of work, routine, and counting days. The balance between the artist and the scientist tipped hard towards the science/logic/black and white self. She turned to just living the struggle.

But the soul like any seed planted in the darkness, will always reach for the sunlight. It reaches up and out and forward to present itself to the world. It does not ask for the opinion of the other seeds or plants on whether to rise and open it’s leaves.  It does not seek validation of it’s worth or value or beauty. It already knows within that it has worth. That it has beauty. It just IS.

Our souls like seeds weren’t meant to hold back. Neither were meant to be planted in fertile ground and not emerge into something amazing. Something beautiful. Something miraculous.

Sometimes growth is sudden. Sometimes great growth comes from great pain. But from great pain emerges great strength.

I’m hoping to embrace that great strength now.

I’m hoping to bring my soul back into the sunlight and set it free again…