Heartbreak

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Dear Ex,

This still hurts. Even after several months, this still really hurts. Bad.

I will never understand why you threw me away and walked away from us. You didn’t fight to keep me. You didn’t ask me to hang until you figured things out.

You took me to family functions. We did stuff with your mom and daughters. We made plans for the future. YOU made plans for the future that included me. YOU invited me into your life.

When did all that change????

You got to decide it was over – I wasn’t even given a choice.

You. Just. Walked. Away.

I will never understand how it was so damn easy for you to do that. That you could so easily toss aside what we had built together without so much as a blink. This is not the man I knew and loved.

How did I ever fall in love with someone so cruel?

I’m thinking maybe I never knew you at all.

Signed, Me

Breaking up with someone brings an eruption of emotions into your existence. First you feel the pain, like someone ripped your heart out. Yes, ripping. No clean cut, surgical removal of your heart. It’s dirty, tearing, gnawing pain. There’s mud and shit thrown in that damn wound. You want to just curl up in a ball and die.

Next the sadness overtakes you, causing you to burst into tears at the drop of a hat. A song on the radio. A moment in a TV show. The way someone says a phrase. You feel raw. Like one giant exposed nerve. Life looks so hopeless.

Gradually the anger sets in and you declare your defiance. “How dare he do this to me” and “Prick!” become part of your daily vocabulary. You seethe with hatred, dreaming of ways to extract your revenge in big and beautiful acts of self-righteousness. Your inner self is once again finding it’s footing after so much turmoil.

Eventually the heat of anger subsides, and acceptance sets in. You begin to accept it is over. That what you had is truly gone. Your dreams are dead. You begin to think you’ve really got your head back on your shoulders and your heart is finally gonna mend. A sliver of hope for the future slowly creeps into the darkness of your injured soul.

Then suddenly in an instant it’s gone. Oh hell. You find yourself back at square one and you have just started the entire mess all over again…..

This is where I find myself now. I don’t know if I’m coming or going anymore. So many dreams and hopes have been shattered by the single action of another. I always figured myself for a pretty level headed gal, but this had literally knocked me to me knees. And it continues to knock me down. This hurts like a mother fucker.

How did I ever let someone else have this much power over me? I was such a fucking fool to believe and trust in him.

What I did I expect to gain? Why risk it all?

Because I believed in true love. I believed that true love conquers all difficulties that life can throw at you. I have seen it do that for other couples. Family, friends, colleagues – I’ve seen the miracle of true love in their lives. I had dreamed of that in my life. I truly thought I had finally brought that into my life.

Boy was I wrong.