A Shared Path

This is the third in my Growing Older series in looking back at the lessons others have given me through the years. Lessons in aging with grace. When I started this series, this was the first person I thought of when I say the phrase “aging with grace.”

Aunt Alma

My earliest memories of my Aunt Alma were of a joyous, funny woman who, although she was my grandmother’s sister, acted nothing like my stiff, strict grandmother. Although she was a graceful older woman, she was like one of us kids, preferring to get down on the floor with us and join in our games. She would play hide and seek. She would bake us cookies and give us candy. She would chase and tickle us as we ran through her house. She insisted that a long life must be filled with laughter. And that the national drink was coffee – which is why the pot was always on at her house and someone was always stopping by for a cup. I loved and looked up to this wonderful woman, even though she barely stood 4 foot 10 inches.

The focus of my aunt’s life was my Uncle Arvid. They had met and married at a young age. Anyone looking at them could see they were very much in love. Even as a child I could see it, and it gave one a sense of security whenever you were with them. Not to be cliche, but they really acted and believed that love conquered all. And their life reflected that. Aunt Alma always liked to tell us as kids that Uncle Arvid was the love of her life, and that with him anything was possible. “You will find one too someday, then you’ll know what I mean,” she would say. They would playfully tease each other and even the occasional argument ended in teasing and laughter. “Never go to bed angry” was another one of her sayings.

The death of my uncle rocked my aunt’s world. Her better half was suddenly gone. But she eventually regained her composure, and embraced life once again with the laughter, joy, and childlike happy outlook on life that she had when he was alive. She surrounded herself with younger people, enjoying life. She filled her days with activity. One particular holiday our family had gathered and at the table Aunt Alma told a joke she had heard from one of her neighbors. It involved using popcorn as a dressing in a turkey. “That’s how you blow the ass off a turkey,” she laughed. I thought my grandmother was going to stroke out. All us kids laughed with Aunt Alma. She was our hero for saying a cuss word at the table. In the end, Alzheimer’s took her, but through it she retained her childlike, joyous personality, always looking to tell you a joke. Never mind that it was the same one over and over again, she always laughed as if it was the first time you heard it.

My Aunt Alma showed me by example that life is limitless and ageless when you have love and laughter in your life. I’ve recently discovered my own love of my life, and I’m beginning to understand what she meant. With such love, one’s life is truly limitless. You feel you can conquer anything. Life still has it’s highs and lows, but the lows are much more tempered with the support of love. There’s also safety and comfort in having someone else there with you on this life journey. When life is so filled, it doesn’t leave you wanting more. I see so much of my Aunt Alma and Uncle Arvid in my own relationship – laughter, childlike play and joy, mutual respect. It reaffirms to me that this love is real, that it is meant to be. Such love has also tempered my fear of growing old. Perhaps my fear of aging was really the fear of aging alone.

Thanks to love and my Aunt Alma’s wisdom of grace, I’m not afraid anymore.

This is the second post in my Growing Older series. Sharing the gifts of wisdom others have shared with me over the years. Gifts that I hoped will shine the light on my fears, open my eyes to the truths, and allow the beauty of sage wisdom temper my reluctance to age gracefully.

I had fully intended to start out writing about someone older than me who has given me priceless sage wisdom. Wisdom about aging. Wisdom about strength and courage. To share the precious gifts they gave me. But that isn’t a beginning. And for me to better understand the journey and the end, I must start at the beginning. Which brings me to…..

My Niece Truen

Truen is just in the start of her life. A teenager whose position in life I envy right now – a lifetime ahead of her. Life changes day to day and time does not move fast enough for someone her age. She views life as being stuck at home in some kind of limbo land until she turns old enough to leave. Stuck living by someone else’s rules. Stuck having to do things she doesn’t want to. Stuck. Her independent spirit is just beginning starting to sprout it’s wings. And she’s stuck. I know the feeling – I was once that teenager.

But having lived that stage in my life then gone on to bigger and better things, I see that point of time in a much different light. As well I also have the adult wisdom and freedom to remove myself from “stuck” situations. I miss the carefree days of being a kid living at home. Sure there were rules, but I didn’t worry about food, heat, electricity, a room of my own, or outdoor places to explore. It was all at my fingertips. I didn’t worry about making mortgage payments or paying the insurance bill so I could go to the doctor. My waking world was caught up in friends, making plans for the weekend, playing with my siblings, and exploring interests – not in the “business” of living. The only worries I had were those of a kid, which now seem so trivial in the bigger scheme of life.

So Truen has helped me realize these things:

• No matter where you are in life, there are both good and not-so-good things about that time. It is only human nature to pine over a different time and wish that you were there. But it takes wisdom to understand that all you really have is now. Best to live in the present and appreciate life as it is now – both the good and not-so-good. When one is able to stay in the present, time disappears. (Now how Eckhart Tolle is that?)

•  Life is not a timeline, but a collection of life events. Like when someone asks you about an event, and you run through all other events in an effort to categorize it. An example: “When did Bob and Abby get married?” “Oh, well it was 5 years after his dad died and a year before we moved into the house on Main. ’85 I think. The same year as the blizzard that shut down town for 3 days.”  See what I mean? Life events, not time. Having Truen in my life makes me want to be around as long as possible to see her life events, regardless of how old I may be.

•  As I grow older I appreciate the lessons of my elders, but I also recognize the lessons of those following behind me. I try to lead when I can, but often I must step aside and let them wander ahead on their own. Sometimes there is joy. Sometimes there is pain. But by golly they can certainly teach me a thing or two if I just allow them to. Now I understand why my elders would get that certain look in their eyes when looking at a younger me. My goodness – I’ve become my Grandmother.

• No matter how old you are, you can still dance and shake your booty. Even if it’s to embarrass your nieces.

Aging is a progression, a progression of life events. On the front side we experience the wondrous expectations of life, the promise of a limitless uncertain future, the excitement of new relationships and births, and face the first losses that death deals us. But as we walk further ahead, we turn to see the back side where we begin to fade physically and mentally, recognize the transfer of youth and expectation to our children and their children, we experience our lives through the life events of others, and death begins to loom as a constant reminder of our mortality. Perhaps to find that aging grace in our lives is to approach life each day by embracing all that life is in that moment, realizing that the present moment is all we truly have at any one time. And that is all we need. We can’t go back. We can’t go forward. We are only here now.

Is it really that simple?

I’ve written before of not aging gracefully. I seem to be running into these age-related life lessons more frequently lately. Especially with a significant birthday quickly approaching. Apparently it is a common occurrence for many people my age. The age when many of us launch into those “mid-life” crises. I guess that means I’m pretty normal according to published statistics and demographics. So how come do I not feel any better about it?

Our society seems to place such importance on being youthful, beautiful, and vibrant. Perky breasts, smooth skin, well defined abs and ass, heads of hair, running in the surf, driving hot muscle cars, and active sexual prowess. That’s what everybody wants, yearns for, strives for. But once one hits a certain age those boobs and gluts sag, laugh lines become permanent facial features, going for a run means sprinting to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and the only bed you look forward to is the warm one with a dog to curl up with. Guess what – you’re considered over the hill. Put out to pasture. Close to death. Aged. SENIOR. And look out cuz here comes the final push over the edge – those AARP mailers. Yep, you have now officially crossed over to the the down hill side of your life. Best be picking out your cemetery plot now as well as lining up life insurance, long term care insurance, and funeral insurance. Because it’s almost time!

And maybe that is what it comes down to – the loss of time. We hit this point and suddenly realize that instead of all this limitless time left to live, we only have a finite amount left. That the invincibility and infinity of our youth is gone and we now see the end of the road quickly approaching. Surprise! Did you really think you would sneak out of this one? Yes, just like everyone else you are mortal. And being mortal means you had a beginning, but you will also have an ending. An ending that is closer now than your beginning. No wonder many of us lose it at this point!

So, in an effort to learn how to age gracefully and walk into my later years without fear or dread, I am going to take lessons from those who have (or maybe haven’t) aged gracefully. I’ll take a person whose life or words have had an impact on me and share with you in upcoming posts what insights they gave me. Some had it figured out. Some didn’t. But they each had something to offer those of us following behind them.

So you are welcome to come along on this journey with me. Or perhaps you’ve already got it figured out. If so, what’s your secret?